"...there is one area where you and I are in perfect agreement. How precarious a women's life is when it's dependent on the whims of a man." -Rosie Weissman.
If you haven't been devouring The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel I suggest you stop reading this, lock your door, close your blinds and tuck into a full fledged binge watch session.
Okay, are you back? Let's continue.
Not too long ago I was madly in love with a future that was painted for me by the man in my life. Never before had I realized I wanted children, a solid life partner and a ranch somewhere with a Yurt. I couldn't believe my good fortune to have someone committed to that future with me. Someone I was wildly in love with.
I invested myself, all in, for this dream. I moved heaven and earth to make room for our path together- to make it all work. When he began to subtly and not-so subtly pull away, a fear-based way of being took over. I was soon heading down the codependency rabbit hole.
This relationship had to end for me to shine light on this part of me that needs nurturing and healing. Perhaps the last hurdle on my path to self-actualization. Heartbreak is a wonderful way to come face to face with all of your own bullshit!
So here I was, on an island 6000 miles off the coast of the USA with my beautiful Yaasa mattress (a king size cool cover technologically advanced mattress I should add) on a home made pallet bed frame without a car. Now, shipping anything from Hawaii to mainland is a big endeavour and I only had several days to hash out the details. There was no way in hell that I was going to leave this glorious mattress behind me as it had given me some of the best sleeps of my life, and sleep, is the MOST important aspect of health.
So, I put on my big girl pants like Midge Maisel, to do something about my dilemma. I found a U-haul van for $20 a day and furiously began searching for a freight company to ship my mattress to mainland. I took charge because come hell or high water I was now deeply committed to the best mattress I ever had and the future that was mine to grasp.
Driving in my van to the docks of Honolulu with my mattress in the back I realized, that even though I was in great emotional pain, I had trusted more in my man's whims than I had in myself. When did this happen? Where did I lose my center and did I ever have one to begin with? I realized that, although this relationship gave me so many beautiful experiences, like reclaiming lost parts of myself, most of the time I was frustratingly waiting on him to make my dreams come true.
I have been waiting for validation and permission for my desires all of my god damn life. I'm not talking about goals or achievements- those are easy because they are mainstream and practical. I am talking about my wildest desires. The ones that I was afraid to act on because they seemed ridiculous, unrealistic and scary. I was waiting for someone else to take charge, to support them and then I would get pissed when it wasn't how I wanted it to look.
As I wrapped my mattress in plastic wrap on the side of the street I realized how much I devalue or diminish what I have done or am capable of doing.
As a man named Pono carted my Yaasa mattress off on his forklift I realized I have everything I need within me to create what I desire, to paint a life I love.
So I am doing just that.
I moving to San Diego.
I am getting my Doctorate in Acupuncture at a school that understands my vision.
I am diving deeper into the realms of healing Sacred Sexuality.
I bought a van to camp, surf and chill with my mexi-mutt adventure buddy Captain.
I will continue to build my AtR Adventure trips and Psychedelic Gypsy Queens brand. My mission is to create space for humans to overcome their perceived limitations and blockages to fully express their soul's path on this planet.
And in my much needed downtime, I will land oh so softly into nourishing rest on my well-traveled Yaasa mattress to put in to myself so I can continue to put out in the world.
To invest, fully, in all that is Emily.
In the words of Mrs. Maisel, "The world is full of disappointments, and sometimes people let you down. You can't just run away..."
What do you do in the face of disappointment and let down? You keep your "tits up" and take the reigns of your happiness.
Until next time,
The Psychedelic Gypsy Queen